Anyway, that's actually completely unrelated to anything I'm trying to say - except for the just start talking part. Eventually you'll get to the end. It may make you sweat - or toot -but eventually, you get out of it. Right?
I feel like I'm on autopilot lately. I'm going through the motions and they aren't even enjoyable motions. They just are. Motions. Open dishwasher. Take out dishes. Fill dish washer. Repeat. Sort laundry. Open washer. Take out clothes. Fold clothes. Repeat. I'm always tired. I'm always crabby. With the kids. I'm always impatient. With the kids. I'm always apologizing. To the kids. Always. Always. Always.
I'll just be honest with you. I'm not sure how to snap out of it. My husband would say, "Just do it." Is that just a logical mind? Is that plausible? Do you just turn off the faucet and move on with your life?
For the most part, I wake up in the morning and start fresh. It usually goes pretty well. At first. Then kids start dragging their feet. Or ignoring my reasonable requests. And pretty soon, frustration leads to Ugly. And I tire of asking them to pick their pjs up off the living room floor. 3X. Or to get their shoes on. Over and over. And soon enough the baby is screaming because I pulled her hair while brushing it and I won't give her her binky in the car and she wanted to sit in the backseat instead of her carseat. Screaming. And arching. And screaming.
Ugly.
So what do you do when you feel like you're in a pit. Flying close to the earth. Truthfully, flying haphazardly and dangerously close to the horizon. When really you just strive to be good enough. Not Top Gun material. Just able to fly at all.
I'd stop there. But it sounds so desperate. Am I at the bottom of the barrel and can't find a way out? No. Absolutely not. But I used to be the fast blinker in the Acura of life...
After dating only a short time, JT and I sat at a red light in his
blue Acura Integra in a small college town. The
blinker indicating left turn went AWOL, wildly clicking away with a
short in its circuit. The right turn signal paced at a slower
rhythm. JT laughed and likened my high spirited energy to that of the
left turn blinker. His to the right side.
Nowadays? Nowadays I have energy about 10 minutes a day. You laugh. Or at the very least think I'm kidding. ...OK, so I exaggerate a little. It's more like 5 minutes. Twice a day.
This from the mom who held her baby upright on the couch night after night catching the reflux in a burp cloth or on my night shirt. Giving breathing treatments around the clock or heading to the ER - always at 2 in the morning. The mom who regularly is woken to the quiet look of a child needing a hug or a dog that has diarrhea or the mom who just wakes up. Because apparently as you age, you do that.
I'm tired. And tired of being tired. And I'm a night owl. Always have been. Try to change. Seems like the nights I go to bed earlier, I get woken more often. More tired.
Tired of being tired. Tired of being cranky. Tired of snapping. Tired of running on autopilot with a frown on my face. I have every reason to be happy and upbeat and energetic and the mom I always dreamed I'd be.
*sigh*
So how do you do it? How do you take back control of the plane and use your broken blinker again?
3 comments:
Sweet sweet friend of mine, you go to the Dr. for a complete workup. You could be lacking in some very vital minerals or vitamins.
Lots of days I was not June Cleaver either. Being a mom is hard work!!
Sometimes too, they become immune to our constant asking. Perhaps, ask one time instead of three. When things are no longer available to them, they would understand to react on the first request. When we constantly nag, they know there are no real consequences to their actions.
One day, very soon, you will awaken to a silent empty house. There will be no jammies on the living room floor, no hair to comb, no binkies to fight over. You will empty the dishwasher 1x in 2 days, do laundry 1x a week. I think what I am trying to tell you is savor the moment. Do not let the little things bog you down. God trusted you with these four little lives because he knew you would do the best job of raising them to be Godly little saints.
Love you from afar. Now get some sleep. You see it is 2 AM on the West Coast, so I am a night owl also. Better get to bed myself.
I'm not about to pretend to have any answers here. I've been in the same rut for a good year now. In and out of it anyway. Actually, I LOVE the advice up above. I don't know "Gramma 2 Many," but today I'm listening to her words.
As for me, the most helpful thing is finding a, my OWN, creative outlet. I need to create in order to feel. To feel something besides frustration. You, too, are a creative soul, my dear.
When was the last time you got out your rubber stamps? Made a mess with some ink and embossing powder? Made something, just for you? Made something, just because?
Feeling your pain. Love you.
Been thinking about you all day. Hope you are feeling better than you were yesterday.
Love ya,
Gramma
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